


Who She's Here For

by iwtv



Category: Orange is the New Black
Genre: F/F, Gen, Post Season 6, alex struggles without piper in max, heavy alex angst, unexpected alex and red bonding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-27
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-11-06 03:31:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17932031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwtv/pseuds/iwtv
Summary: Piper always told her at some point that she missed her. ‘Me too, kid,’ or ‘ditto’ were her usual responses, but after awhile they became poor substitutes for just how badly Alex really felt, unable to even hug Piper anymore. It didn’t help that when visitation ended she felt like someone had taken a sharp knife to her gut.Here's something I wrote on the tail-end of 'A Narcissist and a Pragmatist.' Comments as always are welcome. Knock on my door on tumblr @iwt-v.





	Who She's Here For

There were days when she felt totally lost, as if she were blind walking through endless darkness.

The first few weeks after Piper had been released were relatively manageable. Alex read a lot and spoke to Red and Mendoza and a few others during rec time. She went out to the field when they were allowed and played kickball a few times.

But as the weeks dragged on time seemed to become even less meaningful than it was at camp. Of course she looked forward to visitation days the most. She loved seeing Piper come in wearing actual clothes, her hair done up and shining again. She was usually bright-eyed and bushy-tailed when she first saw Alex through the glass that now separated them.

They fell into the habit of pressing their palms against the glass as a greeting. It had always seemed like a movie cliché to Alex before, but now it felt essential to their all-too brief meetings.

Piper always told her at some point that she missed her. ‘Me too, kid,’ or ‘ditto’ were her usual responses, but after awhile they became poor substitutes for just how badly Alex really felt, unable to even hug Piper anymore. It didn’t help that when visitation ended she felt like someone had taken a sharp knife to her gut.

Even reading lost its comforting solace. She would read a sentence and would imagine some nerdy or smartass remark Piper might say about the subject. It would tug a smile from her face before the knife twisted and the longing set in.

Getting herself off with up to three other women in a cell at night bothered her less than she thought it would when she finally grew desperate enough to try it. She waited until it was all quiet, learning to stifle the sounds of her orgasms.

That was a temporary fix, too, like reading. Or doing anything, really.

Days bled together. She kept to herself more and more. Sometimes she spent her rec time in her cell. She slept a lot, probably too much. More often than not a CO would have to come into her cell to get her up. A few of them were nice enough, but a lot of them got her attention with hard kicks to her bunk, barking her name like she was a dog and harshly jarring her to wakefulness and a world of equally harsh florescent lights.

She woke up one morning and decided she hated those lights. At least in minimum there had been windows to offset the brightness. Here there was no escaping it.

She ate her meals and either read or tried to sleep afterwards if they would let her. Most of the time she didn’t even sleep. She would lay there and think about what Piper might be doing and with whom.

Nicky was the only reason she ventured into the walled-up cage that served as their rec yard. The top of it was covered in fencing, taunting her with the glimpse of the blue sky above it. But Alex enjoyed Nicky’s company and always had. Lorna too, though that situation was still a volatile one. Lorna and Nicky were fire and ice, together one minute and bickering the next. But whereas Lorna was usually too wrapped up in gushing over her husband Vincent and the new baby, Nicky had a clue about Alex’s solitude.

“So seriously Vause,” Nicky is telling her now as they walked out onto the field, “On a scale of one to a rabid dog, how much do ya miss College?”

Alex snorts and rolls her eyes at the use of Piper’s old nickname. But Nicky looks at her with genuine interest. Alex frowns and shrugs. She crosses her arms tight against her chest without meaning to.

“I miss her like fucking crazy, of course.”

She shrugs again, suddenly feeling uncomfortable talking about her loneliness. She lets out a bitter laugh and makes an arc around the conversation.

“Three and a half goddamn years left. I know that’s supposedly nothing compared to people like Red, but…”

She trails off, hoping she doesn’t look as miserable as she feels. Nicky nudges her with an elbow as they walk around the field.

“Hey, you got a right to feel as shitty as any other broad up in here, the way I see it. One year or twenty, they’re all too long.”

Alex glances at her, lips pulling upward. Nicky has always had her own strange brand of cold comfort. And it’s not really comforting, but Alex can’t help the tiny smile on her lips.

“I guess you’re right,” she replies. “Thank you for validating my shitiness.”

Nicky shrugs.

“I’m here all day. And for the next five years so keep your calendar clear.”

They walk a couple of laps slowly around the field. The weather is starting to turn cooler, but compared to the sweltering heat of midsummer it’s a relief. Alex takes some comfort in that. Nicky starts talking about an issue of National Geographic magazine she was handed for reading material.

“So there’s that famously insane Roman Emporer, Nero, right? He was basically a psychopath but what most people don’t know is that he did a bunch of really good shit for Rome, too. Like he was an artist, he introduced the idea of physical and intellectual education to kids or some shit, and created the first gymnasium with competitions and whatnot. All before he went completely bonkers.”

Alex blinks.

“Wow. That’s a lot of reading for you. No offense.”

“None taken,” says Nicky, almost proudly.

“So why the interest in Nero?”

“I dunno. If he was around today, I figure he’d be like Hannibal Lector. And he’d definitely end up in max, like us. Probably teaching us plebeians how to make wine behind bars and reading philosophy or some shit.”

Alex smiles.

“Okay, but technically neither one of us are plebeians. Your mom was rich and I got rich from selling heroin.”

Nicky smacks her hands together.

“Good point, good point. And then we both fucked up anyways, huh?”

Nicky’s sardonic self takes over and her eyes flash brightly at her, a ridiculous grin on her face. Alex chuckles under her breath.

“I think Nero fucked up way worse.”

“An excellent point of comfort. We are not Nero.”

“We are not.”

Alex grins again. Nicky’s conversation reminds her of the show Spartacus, the story of the slave-gladiator who escaped and started a rebellion. Nicky hadn’t seen it before her incarceration so Alex fills her in on it, making sure to mention all the gay in the show and the show’s lasting gay couple. She’s actually excited by the time Lorna joins them in the field as the rest of her cell block comes out for their rec time as well.

Lorna happily falls in to their walk, looping her arm through Nicky’s as Nicky gives her a kiss on the cheek. But the conversation is over now and Nicky’s attention has shifted. Alex walks with them for a few more minutes before deciding she should head back inside. Nicky doesn’t want her to go but Alex does anyway.

By the time she reaches her cell the gray clouds have settled over her mood again. She likes Lorna, as ridiculous as she can be sometimes. She also likes that Nicky has someone, but being around Nicky and Lorna together bothers her immensely. She knows why. Lorna does for Nicky what Piper does for her. Or did.

Alex sits down on her bunk and rolls her eyes at herself. Pathetic. Nicky is sober and Nicky is happy, and she should be glad for her.

*

She passes the next week mostly in solitude, except for meal times. At rec time she can’t seem to find Nicky without Lorna attached to her hip so she avoids them. The couple of times she does catch Nicky without her are short lived, and as soon as she sees Lorna coming their way Alex makes a hasty retreat, claiming she’s tired or wants to read or whatever.

Visitation day comes around again. Piper is dressed a flannel shirt with tight jeans on. She raises her hand to the glass and Alex presses back from the other side as she picks up the phone.

“Hey babe,” says Piper.

“Hey.”

“So I got the bookstore job,” Piper starts, sapphire eyes flashing excitedly.

“That’s great!”

Piper squeals a little. It’s the job she was wanting the most out of all the applications she’s filled out and Alex is happy for her. Piper starts rambling on about her start date and what she’ll be doing there and the people she’ll work with. Alex listens contentedly, wishing for the millionth time she could hug her for a proper congratulations. She thinks of things to ask her, to keep the topic away from herself. But of course Piper always has to ask.

“So how are things?”

There’s a softness to the way she asks every time that Alex hates, like she’ll become shattered glass if Piper is too casual. Alex leans back in her chair and shrugs.

“Nicky and Lorna are in prison bliss, so there’s that,” is the first thing that pops out of her mouth.

_Dumbass._

“Still?” asks Piper, clearly surprised.

“I know. It’s been going on two months straight now. No pun intended.”

So they chat about Nicky and Lorna and Alex mentions a couple of other blossoming romances she’s noticed around the prison.

“I hope some of them last when they get out,” Piper says. “I read an article once that gay relationships formed in prison are often life-long, even if one person has been out for years and gets back in the system again.”

Alex raises an eyebrow.

“Oh? Thinking of a little grand theft auto or robbery to get back with me?”

She means it to be funny but Piper gives her a look. Instantly Alex regrets it. But Piper’s face has gone soft again, too soft, and Alex looks away.

“Fuck. Sorry.”

“Hey.”

Alex mentally braces herself as she looks back up at Piper. Piper, who has raised her palm against the glass again but Alex can’t bring herself to do the same this time. Instead she tucks her free hand in tightly between her legs, fighting it off.

“Time is passing,” says Piper. “You’ll be out of here in no time.”

Words meant to soothe irritate her instead.

“Yea, I know. Everyone says that all the time. And frankly it’s bullshit, Pipes.”

It comes out sharp and grating. Piper looks burned. She slowly takes her hand away from the glass and Alex feels like shit.

“It’s hard and it sucks. I know,” Piper offers. She doesn’t sound pissed off in the least, and that also irritates Alex. “But I want you to find some peace in here, Al. I’m not going anywhere, not without you, ever again. I’ll be here when you get out.”

Alex gives a self-derisive snort. She’s about to cry and she can’t let herself.

“Yea well, I’m _definitely_ not going anywhere. Can you tell?”

Piper blinks at her, lips pulling together tight.

“Okay. I can tell you’re not in the best mood and that’s fine. I’m gonna go. I love you.”

Just her fingertips press the glass this time as she rises from her chair. Alex curls her hand into a ball, nails digging painfully into her palm pressed between her legs.

“Fine. Later.”

Piper’s brows draw together painfully and Alex feels the knife twisting into her gut so bad she wants to scream. She watches Piper turn around and walk through the door with the giant green EXIT sign above it. Then and only then does she press her forehead against the glass and closes her eyes, letting a few errant tears slip out.

*

After that her mood goes from gray to black. She almost gets in a fight with another inmate over a cup of jell-o at dinnertime one evening. She’s being irrational but she doesn’t much care. She gets a shot for it. She doesn’t much care about that, either.

One day she’s attempting to re-read a copy of Ray Bradbury’s _Fahrenheit 451_ when Nicky appears in her cell doorway. She’s been given the work assignment of inmate librarian, walking around to all the cells with a cart of books from the prison library. Alex raises the book in her hands.

“I’m covered, thanks.”

Nicky picks up a magazine and tosses it at her anyway. It’s National Geographic, and on the cover is a statue of Nero and the title ‘Rome’s Bad Boy.’ Alex snorts. Nicky nods at the magazine.

“I marked page 97 for you. I’ll make a sweep back this way to know your thoughts.”

Beyond her usual swagger Nicky is looking at her with some kind of concern. But then she’s gone, pushing the cart to the next cell.

Alex flips to page 97. It’s a page full of photos and scribbled onto it in blue ink are the words _What’s wrong_.

She sighs and pushes herself back against the cold wall of her cell on her bunk. She picks up a pen and chews on the end of it for a long minute, at a loss as to how to respond and also annoyed that she needs to respond to this kind of inquiry at all. Finally she scrawls onto the same page in black ink, _Nothing. Just feeling blue. It’ll pass._

She shuts the magazine and lays down, suddenly tired.

Her eyes snap open. She’s dozed off, just for a few minutes. The magazine is still there but she doesn’t see Nicky anywhere in the block anymore. Confused, she opens up to page 97 again. Under her own words of ‘It’ll pass,’ it reads _Doesn’t seem like it._

Alex sighs and rips out the page. She wads it up and tosses it under her bunk, then lies down and faces the wall.

*

A few days later Nicky and Lorna break up.

It’s been raining and the field is deemed too muddy so rec time is spent inside the caged-in yard instead. Alex ventures out. She hates this space but she’s tired of the florescent lights and staring at the same inmates’ faces all day and night. She walks over to a wall and leans against it. She spots Nicky against another wall. She’s sitting on the floor with one knee pulled up. Her other leg is bouncing rapidly; a nervous tick. Her hand is stuck in her hair and Alex thinks her eyes look red.

Alarmed, she pushes off her wall and heads over to Nicky’s. Nicky’s eyes—reddened—flick to her briefly.

“Hey Vause,” she offers in a deflated, flat tone.

It still shocks her how someone can so drastically look like the most contended person on earth one day to looking utterly miserable; Nicky’s particular combination of pain and despair all rolled into her face at once makes Alex ache a little. She sits down next to her.

“What happened?”

Nicky laughs bitterly.

“We fuckin’ broke up. Of course. We’re like the most predictable disaster couple of the new millennium.”

Nicky is fighting off tears through a hard smile, eyes flashing to Alex.

“Fuck, I’m sorry,” Alex offers lamely. She’s always been bad at moments like these. Or that’s how she always feels anyway. Nicky shrugs. She sniffs, then looks more directly at Alex.

“Well, actually…” says Nichols, punctuating her words with an index finger. “This time _I_ broke up with her. Yea, that’s a definite first, ain’t it?”

Her eyes flash wide in acknowledgement of Alex’s surprise.

“Shit,” Alex mutters. She’s really terrible at this sort of thing. But she supposes Nicky isn’t exactly noticing at the moment and that’s good. Nicky shakes her head.

“She keeps going on about me meeting the baby when we’re all outta this seventh layer of Hell here. So I started talking about the things we’ll do together when we’re out, and…”

Nicky breaks off to have another bitter chuckle, shaking her head. “….And she tells me maybe, just _maybe_ , it’s not such a good idea for us to hang out together on the outside, because she’s afraid her goddamn fucking husband will get jealous. And one sentence leads to another and I just…snapped on her.”

Alex finally finds some glue for her thoughts. She puts a reassuring hand on Nicky’s shoulder.

“Come on. I’m sure she’s just freaked out over everything. And yea, Lorna can go a little crazy, I know,” she adds, “But she loves you.”

Nicky shakes her head. Her bouncing leg is in overdrive and Alex wants to pin it down.

“I…I don’t know,” says Nicky. “Maybe this is the last time for us. Maybe it _should_ be. Maybe I should just say fuck it, ya know?”

Her voice cracks and Alex automatically shifts, letting Nicky’s head find her shoulder. She draws Nicky in, letting her sob quietly.

“You love her too much,” Alex says with a wry grin. But her ghost knife is twisting in her side again and she’s thinking about piercing blue eyes and that white-toothed smile. She drapes an arm protectively around Nicky.

She remembers Nicky doing the same thing for her not terribly long ago, in the library back at camp.

 

She’s not sure how many minutes they stay like that, but she’s gently stroking Nicky’s hair and Nicky has almost stopped sobbing when she sees Red coming towards them. She must have just finished her work assignment for the day. She looks around for a few seconds before zeroing in on them like a hawk.

Alex gives Nicky a gentle nudge and Nicky sits up straight. Red takes in the two of them, brows drawing up in concern. Still she makes her way towards them casually. There’s a couple of CO’s around them now and Alex and Nicky shift further away from each other, seconds away from getting yelled at for physical interaction.

“I just saw Lorna,” says Red in a low voice as she nears them. “What’s happened?”

*

Alex lingers another minute while Nicky tells Red the news. Red gives Nicky a quick hug. Nicky’s eyes are on Alex and Alex smiles wanly at her. The guard in charge announces the end of rec time a moment later, her voice like the teacher everyone hates.

At dinner time Red sits across from Alex in her usual spot.

“I want you to help me keep an eye on her,” Red says as she methodically picks apart a roll. “She seems especially vulnerable this time. I don’t want her accepting any hand-outs that might be offered to her.”

Alex raises an eyebrow at her. “No candy from strangers?”

Red sucks her teeth and gives her a look.

“This is no time for sarcasm. You know how she is. And she’s been doing so well this time around.”

Alex sighs and stares down at her tray of what passes for food. She hadn’t expected such a direct request like this. Watching Nicky. Nicky, who hated it when she was black-balled when she wanted her candy and had a stubborn tendency to push away anyone who kept her from her goal.

“I don’t know Red,” Alex replies after too many seconds of Red’s hawk-like stare. “If she wants to use there’s not much we can do about it. You know that. And besides, Nicky has this magical ability to suck people down with her like the Titanic.”

Even as she’s speaking the words they taste insincere to her, but she doesn’t like the idea of Nicky angry at her.

Red brightens and leans in toward her.

“You know her well, Alex. That is why it should be you watching her. The two of you are still close.”

It’s hard for Alex to argue against her. She certainly doesn’t want Nicky to start taking drugs again. But she also knows the fact about Nicky doing what Nicky wants to do is always a final factor. She promises Red she’ll watch her, insofar as it involves whether or not Nicky is planning on using again. They both agree not to keep it from her; Nicky will already suspect it all anyway.

She stays out of her assigned cage until ten, when everyone has to go to their cells for the night.

Alex stares up at the graffiti on the bottom of the bunk above her. She takes the tiny chip of rock she found on the field and starts etching onto the metal, careful not to jar the cellmate above her. She ends up drawing a heart and puts a ‘P’ in its center. When she looks at what she’s done she laughs at herself. Like fucking high school. But then again, some days this entire prison felt like high school except everything was ten times more intense.

*

She fully intends to lie in her bunk the next morning until she’s forced out of it. She’s grown accustomed to the days bleeding together and to having nothing in particular to look forward to. Besides, she’s quite toasty all wrapped up in her sheets and blanket. And being able to cover her eyes from the white shitty lights she hates. Sometimes daydreaming (and fantasizing) about her fiancé is the best she can manage, thank you very much.

But then she remembers Nicky. It’s a new day for her as well. The first after her break-up with Lorna.

Alex slowly sits up, wiping the sleep from her face and putting on her glasses.

It’s another shitty day outside so they’re confined to the yard for rec time. She spots Nicky talking with two other inmates. She recognizes one of them—Benson—and knows she’s a dealer. Alex takes a breath and approaches them. She pushes right up to them, loudly calling out to Nicky and smiling. Six pairs of eyes turn on her and she can feel a tension she’s just broke with her presence. Benson and the other woman eye her coldly.

“Hey specs,” says Nicky, flashing her a grin. “You came out for the wonderful ambiance.”

Nicky holds out her arms and looks skyward at the dreary day and threatening clouds.

“We’ll talk later,” says Benson to Nicky, hands stuck into her coat pockets.

She and the other inmate leave. Alex watches them retreat to another section of the yard. Nicky looks relieved.

“Making new friends?” Alex asks, leaning against the wall next to her.

Nicky eyes her up and down with a gleam in her eye.

“What, are you saving me from associating from unsavory bedfellows?”

Alex snorts. “Somehow I doubt you were looking to bed Benson. And her friend looks like a psycho killer.”

Nicky rolls her eyes and shrugs.

“They wanted to know if I was interested in some stuff, sure. But I was declining the offer when you walked up anyway.”

Alex eyes her and frowns. Nicky rolls her eyes again.

“Red put you up to this?”

“Yes. And no. She’s worried about you.”

“Always is.”

Alex places her glasses on top of her head.

“Look I’m not here to be your babysitter. But I did tell her I’d let her know if I thought you were planning on using again. That’s it.”

Nicky sticks her hands in her pocket and rolls her shoulders.

“It’s not like this is the first merry-go-round with me and Morello, man. Red knows that.”

“Obviously not, but it is the first time _you_ broke up with _her._ ”

“Oh for fuck’s sake, can we not talk about it now?”

“Fine by me.”

Alex starts to leave but Nicky grabs her sleeve.

“Hey hold up. Stay awhile and play some tic-tac-toe with me.”

She pulls out a piece of sidewalk chalk and Alex laughs.

“I’ve seen it all now. And here I thought a bear claw back scratcher was the weirdest thing in prison. Somehow this is weirder.”

They forget Benson and her psycho friend and matters of the heart as Nicky gets to work drawing them a tic-tac-toe board with the chalk. The CO on duty is one of the more lenient ones; she sees them but doesn’t mind them making chalky but washable graffiti onto the prison cement.

The game board ends up with fourteen squares instead of nine, and Nicky decides to draw boobs instead of O’s. Alex makes crappy pencil sketches of glasses for her X’s. They drag the game out like it’s checkers until Alex makes her final picture of glasses.

“Seven to six. My glasses have trumped your boobs.”

“Wanna double check that in the bathroom?” Nicky waggles her eyebrows.

It’s an old joke between them, ever since last Christmastime when Alex, broken up from Piper, had let Nicky slip her hand into her pants on Alex’s bunk. Alex chuckles at the joke. They can’t really rub off the chalk so they make different scribble marks over the old marks for another round.

Alex finds herself moderately content for the first time in awhile. It almost feels normal, playing a game with a friend, though she’s not sure what normal is anymore.

Rec time ends all too soon and Alex spends the rest of day in her usual manner, sitting quietly and reading or doing crossword puzzles. She listens to the idle chatter around her; women talking about their friends and families on the outside and what they used to do before their incarceration. The emptiness sets in soon after and she retreats to her cell.

She can’t really bear the reminder that she has no one but Piper on the outside anymore.

*

Next week the weather is good again and they’re allowed out onto the field. Practically everyone from all the blocks comes out for the event. Alex finds Nicky underneath the kickball bleachers. She’s lying on her back, knees drawn up, and listening to her ipod. She’s got the volume cranked up and Alex can hear it as she approaches. She makes an arc and comes up behind Nicky’s head. The ground is soft and saturated from the rain and her shoes make no sound. Nicky’s eyes are closed as she plants her feet on either side of the other woman’s head.

Nicky’s eyes pop open and she jumps.

“Must be some good shit on that thing,” muses Alex, smirking ear to ear.

Nicky scrambles into a sitting position, hand over her chest.

“Jesus God, Vause. You know I got a bad heart, man!”

Alex sits down beside her.

“Nah, from where I’m at it’s not such a bad ticker.”

She flicks a thumb and middle finger over Nicky’s chest. Nicky elbows her in the ribs but she’s smiling. They share earbuds for a few minutes, listening to Led Zepplin.

They pass through two long songs in peaceful silence. She can still hear the other inmates and an occasional yell from one of the guards, but the sun is shining and she can hear the far-off songs of birds too.

Alex closes her eyes, feeling Nicky’s shoulder against her own. The sun is warm on her face, enough so that she opens her eyes long enough to shrug out of the burlap sack of a coat she’s wearing. Nicky’s shoulder finds hers again and they lean against each other. She feels good. She wonders if Piper is enjoying the weather, wherever she is.

She looks at Nicky. It’s a perfect profile of her face. The breeze has blown back her expansive frizzy hair enough to expose her jawline and ear. Her eyes are focused straight ahead, head nodding to the beat of the music. She looks sad.

A guard passes in front of them. Both of them instinctively shift away from one another so they’re no longer touching. Nicky throws him a peace sign. He eyes them critically for a few seconds before continuing on his way. As soon as he does their shoulders are touching again.

Alex glances around them. The other CO on duty is standing stiffly against the wall, arms crossed and watching a group of women walking around the track. She looks back to Nicky and feels a sudden urge. She leans forward and kisses her lightly on the cheek, lips just barely touching the corner of her mouth. Nicky starts a little. She gives Alex that smug, teasing look and Alex pretends to ignore it, smirking to herself. But then Nicky is turning her head with her hand and kissing Alex full on the lips. Well, fuck.

The alarm sirens in her head are delayed. Nicky’s lips are soft and full and warm, like the hand whose fingers are snaking into her hair. She registers the contact like a static charge between them. Then Nicky’s tongue is slipping inside her mouth and Alex quickly regains herself. She breaks the kiss, rearing back.

“What the fuck Nicky?”

Nicky’s face winces.

“Oops, sorry. Sometimes Zepplin has that effect on me, ya know?”

There’s very little actual remorse in her voice and Alex feels like she’s just been jarred awake after crash landing in a plane. She pulls the anger into her voice, hand combing roughly through her hair.

“Seriously, what _the fuck_?”

Nicky blinks at her, looking baffled.

“What? You kissed me first!”

Alex presses her lips together until they ache.

“That was a friendly peck on the cheek. Not a fucking invitation.”

Nicky drops her innocent act, eye twitching.

“Fuck. All right. I’m sorry. I just figured we could both use the distraction. My mistake.”

She yanks her earbud away from Alex and gets up, shoving her ipod in her coat pocket and leaving the field. Alex watches her go. The further away she gets the more confused Alex feels. The anger vanishes. The breeze picks up and she puts her coat back on. She tries to regain the feeling of peace again but it’s gone. She bangs a fist against a bleacher pole.

“Fuck.”

*

The kiss lingers in her mind the rest of the week despite her attempts to brush it aside. Try as she might she realizes she’s more upset with herself than Nicky. What the fuck was she thinking? The truth was she really had invited the kiss. Her mind squirmed uncomfortably to understand why she had decided to kiss Nicky first. She had looked so lonely in that second before and Alex had wanted to comfort her. The rest of the truth is blatantly obvious.

She knows exactly what Nicky is going through.

*

Visitation day rolls around. Piper is wearing a tight black quarter-sleeve shirt and a pair of old and familiar faded jeans—Alex’s favorite. Alex is inwardly relieved she has something immediate to focus on for this meeting.

“Hmm, eyecandy,” she greets Piper.

Piper turns around and lets Alex eye just how well her jeans cling to her legs and ass before sitting down.

“I thought you could use some eyecandy,” says Piper with a grin.

Ha. The comment is innocent but it makes Alex feel like the inmate she is, able to look and never touch. She forces out a chuckle easily enough. She lies when Piper asks her how she is. She’s fine. Just another day in maximum security. Then she prompts Piper to start talking, as usual.

“Something weird happened a few days ago,” Piper says. “I ran into Larry.”

She makes a face, nose crinkling up adorably, but the news is too distracting for Alex to really appreciate it.

“Shit. I bet that was fun.”

Piper sighs into the phone.

“God, it was so awkward. He’s still with fucking Polly. I was surprised. I hoped they’d broken up and that it was really horrible.”

“Can’t argue with that sentiment.”

“He seemed…happy,” Piper continues with a far-off look in her eye. “At first I was a little mad. But honestly Al, I don’t care anymore if he’s happy or not. And anyway I think the shock was worse for him when he saw me. His convicted felon ex back on the streets again. You should have seen his face. Like a deer in headlights.”

Alex can tell the experience is bothering her more than she’s letting on, but that seems normal. She can’t imagine what it would be like running into Sylvie on the streets.

Piper talks and she listens. Nicky is fresh on her mind, though they haven’t seen or spoken to each other since the bleacher incident. She keeps pushing her from her thoughts, but the guilt starts to settle in like a stone in the pit of her stomach as she lets Piper ramble on from the other side of the glass. Fuck.

She’d been bracing for this, for seeing Piper after what had happened. She rationalized there wasn’t any need to tell her about it. Nothing had really happened. It was what it was and now it was over. She’d told herself that over and over.

But hadn’t made her feel any less dirty.

And yet…just feeling Nicky’s lips against hers and how quickly they’d become so wanting, so needy…

Her insides twist. She clinches her fist under the table. Apparently it’s a new habit. The pain of her nails digging into her skin seems to help.

“…Earth to Alex, hello?”

Alex shakes herself out of her own head. Piper had asked her something.

“Sorry. I’ve been a space cadet all day. I think it’s the new recipe they’ve been using for the meatloaf.”

The joking lie glides out of her mouth like running water. Well, there _was_ something up with the meatloaf.

Piper’s fingers have absently stretched out across the counter top to touch the glass.

“You seem, I dunno, quieter,” she says. Her sapphire eyes are searching hers and Alex feels her cheeks burning. Her mouth feels like it’s full of cotton candy. She swallows it down and sucks in a breath.

“I’m fine, really.”

She plants her own fingertips against the glass opposite Piper’s and forces a smile, but either it’s too much or not enough for the blonde.

“Alex. We need to be able to talk to each other.”

She knows it’s true. They’d had a conversation about it during Piper’s first visitation. They’d promised not to lose their connection with one another through the glass and to tell each other even the smallest of problems, no matter what. The last thing she wants is for them to climb back on the roller coaster that was their relationship most of the time. Things had been so good for them before Piper’s release. So good it had ached all over and reminded her of why she loved Piper so much.

_Out with it, Vause._

Piper is looking at her, waiting expectantly. Alex sits up and splays her hands over the counter top, heart beating hard against her chest.

“Nicky and Lorna broke up. And then I kissed Nicky…and she kissed me back.”

Jesus. It couldn’t have come out worse if a ten-year old was speaking it.

Piper’s mouth hangs open, her brows arched high over her eyes.

“It wasn’t…” Alex feels her cheeks burning again. “It wasn’t meant to be a serious kiss, but then she kissed me back and I freaked out and she left.”

She winces and looks back up at Piper. Piper, whose mouth has closed and then opened again. But her expression turns into something less dazed and more measured and Alex wishes someone would just smack her own face. But she forces herself to calm down. She’s never backed down from an argument with Piper—is usually the one who starts it—so she watches her fiancé for the next few seconds carefully.

“Please say something,” she finally offers.

Piper blinks away from her. Alex is only mildly terrified at how Piper _doesn’t_ appear to be enraged or even just pissed.

“Damn,” she says so very softly. Then, louder, “Damn. How, why?”

She looks lost again and Alex quickly starts explaining, finding some measure of control over her words. She explains her and Red’s concern for their mutual friend after the break up and how the bleacher situation occurred.

“And I just…kissed her on cheek. I still don’t fucking know why,” says Alex. “I wasn’t expecting anything back. Certainly not for her to turn full Romance Robocop on me. We haven’t really seen each other since. I think she’s just really fucked up about Lorna.”

Piper has her free hand pressed over her forehead as though she has a headache and Alex imagines she probably does.

“When did you say this happened?” Piper asks.

“Four days ago.”

Piper stares down at the counter. Even through the criss-cross of the glass pane Alex sees her eyes moisten. Goddamn the fucking glass. Her hand smacks against it.

“Pipes, I really need you to listen to me. I am _not_ falling for Nicky, okay? I swear to God. It was just…she needed…comfort. I love you so fucking much and I would never, ever do anything in here to jeopardize that.”

Her voice cracks halfway through but she doesn’t care. It’s the truth and she desperately needs Piper to believe her.

“I know.”

Alex’s eyes shoot up to her. Piper’s voice is firm, as are her eyes as she locks them with Alex’s.

It was the last thing Alex was expecting.

“I know,” Piper repeats. She’s hunched up against the counter, leaning as close as she possibly can towards the glass, fingers clutching the phone tightly as she purses her lips. “It’s upsetting, but Alex, I’m not…it’s okay that it happened.”

Alex blinks. Her own fingers tighten against the siren-red phone.

“I need you to be straight with me, Piper. No screwing around.”

“I’m not,” Piper says with a tentative smile. “Nicky can be…persuasive. I remember. And I remember what I felt like after you were released back in camp.”

Piper sighs and her face pinches together.

“It was so fucking hard some days, I didn’t know how I would survive without you.”

Again, words meant to comfort twist painfully around Alex’s chest, constricting.

“Piper, this is different,” she insists, adjusting her glasses on her face with irritated fingers. She _is_ irritated, at Piper’s entire reaction to this situation.

“So you’re not jealous?” she asks. It comes out abrasive like sandpaper. “You’re not worried?”

Piper’s brows knot together.

“Of course not. I don’t trust Nicky as far as I can throw her, but I trust you. Why would you even ask that?”

“Because you’re being way too cool about this. It’s fucking weird.”

Piper sits back in her chair, face drawing tight. Alex doesn’t feel any better, but she really, really needs Piper to be upset about this.

“Fine,” says Piper, a mask of defiance dropping over her expression. “Should I throw a temper tantrum? Yell at you? Ask if you’ve fucked her yet?”

“Yea, maybe!” Alex shoots back. It’s like watching her own train wreck in slow motion in her head.

Piper looks skyward as for assistance, but she can’t quite hide her pain and Alex just wants this entire conversation to be over. As if on cue the overseeing CO barks out the two minute warning for phone calls. Alex is clutching the phone to her ear. They pass one precious minute in silence. Piper lets out a heavy sigh and looks at her.

“Alex.”

Uh oh. It’s Piper and her ‘I’m-serious-no-bullshit’ tone.

“I don’t want you to be completely alone in here.”

Alex’s chest tightens.

“What the hell does that mean?”

“It means just what it sounds like it means. It means I can’t make it out here if you can’t make it in there.”

She can’t process it; the raw fear of her time left and what her fiancés words are implying. Her eyes fill with tears so she gets angry instead. Piper’s hand is planted against the glass.

“Al…”

“Fuck you.”

She hangs up the phone and shoves her chair back.

“Alex, wait!”

She doesn’t. She turns and leaves. She hears Piper’s muffled shouting through the glass. She fights off her tears until she’s in her cell. She curls up in her bunk and cries into her pillow until she’s too tired to do so.

*

The next day Red finds her in line for commissary.

“What happened?” she asks flatly. “Nicky is still clean but she’s in an even worse mood than before. She said it had something to do with you but she won’t talk to me.”

Alex reluctantly tells her what happened outside. And much like Piper, the Russian’s reaction is unexpected as well.

“Piper loves you,” she tells Alex, her finger raised pointedly in the air. “And Nicky loves Lorna. Love isn’t the problem, kid. Even staying faithful isn’t the problem. It’s living with yourself in this hell-hole.”

It’s a fact that Alex had forgotten somewhere along the way. With Piper in camp, at least some things had become easy. _Love_ had been easy. And even when it wasn’t, it had been easier than this place, where all she had was memories of that love.

It wasn’t enough.

*

When she’s allowed, she calls Piper from inside one of the blue concrete walls where the phones are.

“Hey,” comes Piper’s voice.

“Hey.”

Alex sucks in a breath, pushing her glasses up on her nose.

“All right look. I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to be an asshole. I just…I was expecting you to be pissed over what happened with Nicky, not understanding. And the fact that you were a little too understanding…it scared me. What did you mean?”

“I think you know.”

“I need to hear it.”

There’s a pause on the other end.

“Alex, I know when you’re worse off than you let on,” Piper says. “And it is unimaginably hard for me. So I know it has to be even worse for you—being in there—than for me. And that makes me feel sick, Al. If you and Nicky…you know…I want you to know it’s okay. Because I need you to be okay in there.”

She’s literally speechless. She swallows hard and wipes at her eyes.

“Fuck,” she squeaks out loud without meaning to.

Piper gently tells her it’s okay while she attempts to pull herself together.

“I’m not sure, Piper. I just…I need time to think,” she says at last.

The phone call ends and Alex hates how relieved she feels about it. She shouldn’t feel relieved about the possibility of having sex with someone other than Piper.

But, truth be told, if it weren’t for the riot she wouldn’t even be in this hell right now.

*

She spends the next couple of days with the relief wrapped around her like a warm blanket, the simple fact that Piper loves her that much carrying her through and making her days brighter. But all it does is cover up the aching need, like a band-aid that must eventually be torn off.

She runs into Nicky in the library. She had yet to bother with the small room lined with law books as of yet and it was a change of scenery if nothing else. Nicky is sitting on the floor with a thick volume of something open on her lap. The image is so bizarre that Alex forgets everything else and chuckles at her. Nicky’s eyes shoot up and she feigns surprise.

“What? I’m perfectly capable of being interested in…”

Nicky looks at the cover of the book and rambles off the long technical title of it, clearly for the first time. She hasn’t even blinked twice at Alex and Alex goes with it, grateful.

“Let me guess,” she says, sauntering up beside her on the floor, “Either there’s dirty pictures in there or there’s a crap ton of coded messages.”

“Guess number two is correct.”

Nicky stands up and shows her the opened pages, where someone has circled a ridiculous amount of letters as a message to someone else.

“What’s it say?” asks Alex.

“So far I got ‘Meet me in the green room,’ ‘Behind toilet in stall four,’ and something about fucking Matt Damon, which is particularly interesting.”

Alex snorts. “I find that hard to believe, unless he’s a woman in there.”

“No but it looks like there’s a detailed fantasy in here involving descriptions of wet pussy, which I was just getting to before you interrupted me.”

Alex nudges her in the arm.

“Get out.”

Nicky grins, then turns somber and sets the book aside.

“Look Vause, about the bleachers last week. I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“Yea?”

“Yea.”

Nicky looks at her as though she’s grown Pinocchio’s nose.

“And uh, the fiancé is okay with it too? ‘Cause I know you ran off to tell her that juicy bit.”

Nicky’s acerbic wit is full-force. Alex raises her glasses and looks down at the ugly brown carpet. She still doesn’t know how to feel about Piper’s words to her over the phone or on visitation day.

“Actually…yes,” she finally says, raising her eyes. “I told her about the kiss. Kisse _s_ —whatever—and…” Alex gives out a chuckle, “She basically gave permission for me to have sex with you if I wanted.”

The chuckle turns into a laugh that’s born of sheer nerves and stating the thing out loud. Nicky’s eyes are saucer-like. Her brows knit up and she stares at Alex through them.

“You’re kiddin’ me.”

Alex shakes her head. Nicky’s expression sobers up.

“Wow.”

“Yea.”

They fall silent and Alex is afraid it’s turned awkward. She quickly changes gears, making a joke about Nicky’s special law book and then moves to leave.

“So…”

Her back is to Nicky when the word rings out. Alex stops.

“Now we can go back to being our usual depressed selves in complete comfort.”

Under the snark she hears the question in Nicky’s tone: _So that’s that, is it?_

She just wants to be done with this. She pushes the entire emotional mess in her rear view as she turns back to her friend. Their eyes lock; Nicky’s dark almond eyes full of something that scares Alex as much as it thrills her, despite her sudden and fierce effort to deny it.

Nicky pulls her hand out of her pocket and walks up to her. She takes Alex’s hand in hers, thumb rolling over the top of her palm.

“Hey,” she says in a velvet tone, “You look like you need to be touched.” She sucks in her bottom lip.

And all at once Alex sucked right back under those bleachers again, staring at Nicky’s profile.

They move at the same time and Nicky’s lips are crushed into hers. It’s like tasting rain in the desert.

Alex moans when Nicky’s tongue slips inside her mouth. Alex finds herself pressed against the bookshelf. She grabs a fistful of Nicky’s shirt and pulls her tight against her own body. Nicky sucks two fingers into her mouth, eyes flashing up. Alex feels the lust in her eyes hit her deep in the belly and further down.

Nicky pulls back the waistband of her prison blues, fingers sliding down inside her panties. Her mouth is on Alex’s neck, soft and full lips kissing her urgently all over. And then her fingers find the soft folds of her sex and start rubbing.

Alex gasps softly as a wave of heat floods her. She bites back a groan, pressing harder into the bookshelf. Nicky inches forward in response. Her other hand slips up her shirt. The second she finds Alex’s bra her fingers slip underneath and Alex lets out a shaking breath.

The feel of someone else touching her like this again is overwhelming. Her body seems to awaken under Nicky’s touches. She writhes against Nicky’s body and shifts as she feels Nicky’s fingers find her clit.

Alex’s eyes slide closed and she bites down on her bottom lip. Her hands shoot up and she pushes up Nicky’s bra. She closes around her breasts, palms rubbing over her nipples.

Nicky’s face is practically buried in Alex’s neck, her breath coming out hotly as she finds her way up and inside her. This time Alex can’t stop the stutter in her breath; a hiccup of a moan comes out as her whole body shudders against the onslaught of pleasure.

“Oh, fuck.”

Knowing their time is limited Nicky wastes none of it. And though a part of Alex wishes this was more ideal, in a bed and when she could savor every minute, the other part of her wants this exquisite and furious lust just like this.

Nicky hikes up Alex’s leg up and presses a third finger inside. They’re both panting against each other. Alex looks skyward as three fingers fill her, making her wet and full. In fact everything feels wonderfully, amazingly full. She’s wants to weep and suddenly it’s impossible to keep the tears from streaking her cheeks. Months of keeping control start to collapse and the more Nicky touches her the quicker those walls come down, until her hands curl tight into Nicky’s hair and across her back. She’s coming through teary, closed eyes. Her orgasm rocks her hard. She throws her head back against the bookshelf as it floods her system. Nicky works her through it, until she’s just barely rubbing her clit. Alex wants to turn into jelly as she pulls away.

“You ok?” Nicky asks in a low voice, her eyes hooded.

She doesn’t trust herself to speak just yet so she nods, her breath still shaking. The moment snaps rudely when the door creaks and other voices invade the library. Alex pushes off the shelving at the same time Nicky backs away from her and pretends to be browsing through books. Two inmates walk by the aisle, glancing at them before moving on.

They leave the room separately. Alex walks slowly back through the common area and to her bunk, fighting hard against the tears that threaten her eyes. She forces them away, at last.

*

She is awake long after her bunkmates have fallen asleep that night.

Her fingers drift from the prison wedding ring on her finger up to the heart she etched into the cold metal above her. She doesn’t know how to feel, and that is a damn unfamiliar feeling to her.

She’s done the wrong thing, surely. Piper has probably changed her mind, or will, once Alex tells her what happened.

_So fucking weak._

She finally manages to fall asleep. It’s a heavy sleep, the best she’s had in months.

*

Two days later Red sits down across from her for lunch.

Alex acknowledges her, groaning inwardly. But she doesn’t even want to wear a façade today. She hasn’t spoken to Piper yet.

She stares down at her food as she eats and nothing else, until she realizes how still and quiet the older woman across from her as become. Alex drags her eyes up. Red’s brows are pulled up ever so slightly, hard eyes unusually soft. It’s not a look she gives just anyone.

“Nicky told me what happened in the library,” Red says in her thick accent.

Alex shrugs and looks away.

“Big deal.”

“Perhaps if this was eight months ago back up the hill, no,” Red replies. “But give me some credit Vause. Don’t bullshit a bullshitter.”

She redirects her gaze to the Russian. There’s a tug of an ornery smile on Red’s lips. It has the effect of disarming her defenses. Alex sighs.

“I don’t how I feel.”

The statement sounds ridiculous coming from her and she laughs mirthlessly at herself.

“God, listen to me. I’m turning into a fucking mess _again_. You would think after surviving the fallout of burying body parts in a garden and getting kidnapped by a psycho I’d be made of fucking steel by now. Jesus.”

“ _Alex._ ”

Red’s hand finds top of her own, a move even more surprising than her soft eyes.

“You are made of steel. Steel and an iron will to survive.”

“Oh please. Don’t tell me I did what I had to do because that’s bullshit,” Alex snaps back. “I didn’t fucking cheat on Piper to survive prison, Red.”

“Shut up and listen,” Red hisses at her. She gets up and sits down in the stool beside Alex. Her eyes are hard again but not unkind and Alex feels compelled to look at them.

“Stop thinking as though you and Piper are just girlfriends, because you’re not anymore,” Red starts. “You’ve moved beyond that now. You are willing to make sacrifices for one another, to look out for one another, yes?”

Alex sighs and runs a hand through her hair.

“Yes, but…”

“Shh! Let me finish. Sacrifices and looking out for one another mean certain things on the outside world, but in this hellhole it’s a whole new ballgame. You have to make up the rules as you need them. And you did not cheat on Piper. You discussed it and she gave permission.”

Alex shakes her head.

“But that doesn’t—”

“Yes it does!” Red insists. “You made a hard choice, but you did it _together_ , even from in here.”

Red’s words make sense. Of fucking course they do, and it’s not anything Alex doesn’t already know. And yet she is loathe to peer into the darkest recesses of herself and to allow Red to peer in with her. She closes her eyes and tries to redirect the conversation into another rabbit hole. It may be a dodge, but to her it’s still a valid one.

“Wait, why the hell do you care so much anyway?” she blurts out. “It’s not as if I’m part of your family in here, Red.”

At this Red looks taken aback. She blinks rapidly and Alex feels like she’s perched herself precariously on the crest of a roller coaster hill, slowing before the fall. Red looks…hurt. She mutters what Alex presumes to be Russian curses under her breath, rolling her eyes.

“Of course you are family, you nitwit,” she declares. “Really Vause, you’re supposed to the brains.”

Alex blinks, the ending joke lost as she grapples with this information.

“But back when I came to you about Adyin—the dead guy—you said I wasn’t even family…”

Red frowns and gives a little shake of her head.

“That wasn’t true then, either. I think you know that.”

Alex says nothing for a long minute. The truth was she _had_ come to think of their little group back in minimum as a bizarre kind of family, because it was. But she had never once held on to it as such. She’d never had the experience of a real family before. She had always been forced to look out for herself. She supposed Piper was the first who had started to change that for her. But now, as her mind sped through all the experiences she’d had in prison with Big Boo and Nicky and Lorna and Yoga Jones and all of them…

Alex takes off her glasses and lets them clatter on the table.

“Well fuck me,” she says.

Red gives her a big crooked smile.

“Now that your brain has returned to you, I hope you realize you and Piper are—what do they call it now?-- _adulting_.”

Alex looks at Red and lets out a snort of laughter.

“I can’t believe I just heard you use that word.”

“Was it the right one?”

“Yea, I think it was.”

Red grins at her again and this time Alex returns it.

*

The next day is visitation day. They sit down across from each other and through the glass.

“Hey,” says Piper.

“Hey.”

She tells Piper all of it, including the truth of how alone she had truly felt.

When she finishes there is nothing but love and relief in those sapphire eyes.

Before their time is up Alex raises her hand to the glass. Piper mirrors it.

“I love you so much it scares me,” she tells Piper.

She has rarely seen her fiancé look so happy.

*

The second to last day before her release from prison Alex finds herself seeking out others.

She chats up Mendoza at lunch, says a few words to Suzanne and Frieda as they pass by her block for the commissary line. At rec time it’s warm enough for the real yard and she seeks out Red and Nicky. She finds Morello there with them.

Nicky and Lorna are on speaking terms again; it’s tenuous but at least they’re not enemies anymore. The four of them spend the entire rec time together, and for a moment they are all laughing and smiling at a joke and Alex feels almost home. Almost.

She says good-bye to Nicky last.

“And if I see you back in here again I’ll kick your ass myself,” says Nichols, raising a booted foot to Alex’s rear.

“Yea well, when _you_ get out, don’t be a stranger,” Alex says.

Nicky shrugs and smiles.

“I won’t.”

They hug. Alex wishes her well with Lorna, surprised at how emotional she sounds over it. Nicky hooks a hand behind her neck and gives her a light kiss on the corner of her mouth, much the same way Alex first kissed her under the bleachers. The moment is over before Alex can quite grasp it. Nicky pulls back a few seconds later and punches Alex in the arm.

“See ya later, Vause.”

*

The day of her release feels like a dream. She’s worried she’ll wake from it before it can manifest into reality, but then she’s outside the prison in standard-issue street clothes and Piper is picking her up in the Honda Civic she’s only heard about.

As soon as Piper is out of the car she’s rushing to Alex. They stand and embrace and kiss for long minutes on end. Alex clings to her small frame, breathing in her scent and trying not to weep. She holds out but Piper doesn’t fare so well, sobbing openly. Alex cups her face in her hands, sprinkling kisses all over her.

“Shh, babe, it’s ok. I’m here.”

It makes her feel undeniably happy to be able to comfort Piper again. Just that small gift seems to breathe life into her, giving her the first taste of being human again.

Piper babbles away as they begin the trip to her—their—apartment. Alex is listening and laughing like a teenager would. She feels silly but is too overjoyed to care. They pull into the driveway and Piper chatters on about the neighborhood, then the apartment as they enter it.

“...The office space is in this corner for now, but I’m thinking about moving it over here next to the window,” Piper says as Alex walks in and looks around. Alex lets her ramble for another minute or two before she is physically unable to contain herself any longer. She marches forward and wraps her arms around Piper’s frame, lifting her a few inches off the ground and kissing her hard on the lips. Piper hums deep in her throat and her body immediately becomes pliant under Alex’s touches. Alex pulls away long enough to look at her. Sapphire eyes gaze back at her, flaring full.

“Fuck I’ve missed you so fucking much,” Piper breathes out, hands cradling Alex’s face.

Alex wants to cry, to weep for the contact. She pulls Piper to her, hands wrapping around the skin underneath her cotton shirt as her mouth connects over the pulse on Piper’s neck. They make their way to the couch and Alex pushes Piper on it, yanking on her pants. Piper worms the rest of the way out, panties soon to follow. Alex’s fingers are as greedy as her lips are. She finds Piper’s sensitive folds, already wet to the touch.

Piper’s head drops back, eyes closed, when Alex first touches her. Her hand is fisted into Alex’s shirt. The sight makes her grow moist and aching. Her skin heats up as Piper touches her, stubbornly tugging on Alex’s shirt until Alex peels it off. She’s kissing Piper hard, her fingers pulling those most-missed noises from her fiancé. She’s got Piper panting open-mouthed when Piper pulls away.

“Wait. Not so fast,” she manages to pant out.

Alex chuckles. “That’s a new one.”

Piper doesn’t blink. She reaches behind and unfastens Alex’s bra, then starts at the button and zipper to her jeans. Alex complies, stripping everything off for her. Piper hasn’t looked away from her for an instant. She sits on the edge of the couch and tugs Alex to her until her legs are straddling Piper. Alex hesitates.

“You know I almost had you off,” she muses, surprised by Piper’s restraint and sudden interest in taking over.

Piper wraps her hands just below Alex’s ass and gently urges her forward, until she’s forced into a sitting position on top of the blonde. Piper’s voice comes out almost as deep as her own.

“I know what you need, Alex Vause.”

Alex can’t quite find a snappy comeback for it. Her skin is tingling and Piper’s words strike a chord deep inside her. She’s back to wanting to weep again, damnit. She wanted this to be hot and quick, to reclaim Piper as her own. To have the old control back, as convenient and easy as it had been.

Maybe that’s not what she wanted now.

Because Piper’s fingers are working slow circles around her opening, drawing out more moisture from within and gliding over her clit, until Alex is the one left open-mouthed and panting.

Piper slowly slips two fingers inside her, working her gently. The sensation of being opened causes short bolts of heat to course through her. The butt of Piper’s palm reaches her clit, rubs up against it, and _fucking hell._

Her body reacts, pushing up and then down against the pressure. Her arms wrap around Piper’s neck.

“Oh f-fuck,” she stutters out.

She hears Piper hum again and realizes her eyes have been closed. She opens them. Piper is sucking a nipple into her mouth. She tugs on it with her lips. Alex tries to stifle her gasp, teeth biting down on the inside of her lip. But Piper is merciless. She repeats the motion on Alex’s other nipple, all the while her fingers have found a rhythm inside her. They work her back and forth and push in deeper. Alex throws her head back as another wave of pleasure rocks her.

“Piper…” she says in a husky whisper.

She sees Piper’s eyes grow even heavier.

“Told you I knew what you needed,” she says with a crooked grin and more than a little smugness.

“Shut…up…huuh.”

Alex tries to snap back, but it comes out as a breathless whisper. Piper withdraws from her and Alex whines. Piper hooks a hand behind her neck and pulls her down into another fiery kiss before urging her up. She pulls Alex into the bedroom and has the back of her knees against the bed before Alex quite knows what’s happening.

She spends a few minutes on her feet. Piper slows them down just a little and Alex lets her, because the truth is she has no control here and now, nor does she want any.

That realization comes as a fragmented shock to her, somewhere beyond the relentless magnetic pull of Piper. She can’t hold onto it. Piper has her on her back. She pushes Alex’s legs apart and sits herself over her thighs. Alex looks up at her as Piper gently slides her arms over her head and holds them there, blonde hair falling down to frame her face. Her mouth hovers torturously over Alex’s. Then Piper pushes her pussy against Alex’s. Alex almost comes.

She doesn’t though. Piper straightens herself and begins rubbing against Alex, hot and slick and throbbing. Alex screws her eyes shut, feeling tears prick the corners. Blindly she grapples and finds Piper’s breasts. Piper pushes against her hands and they fall into a fast and building rhythm. It’s too much for Piper and Alex watches, dazed, as Piper’s breaths grow shorter and faster. Or is that her own rapid breathing? Everything bleeds together and all she knows is the pure pleasure deep in her gut. It roils and tumbles, burning her all over as Piper’s clit forces itself against her own over and over. She comes hard, tossing her head to the side. Her face is covered in blonde hair seconds later as Piper moans into the crook of her shoulder. Her thrusts gradually slow, until each one is overwhelming, but Alex is clinging to her now, unwilling to let the moment go quite yet.

“Alex…”

It comes out as a sob. Alex soothes back Piper’s hair, still reeling from her orgasm. Piper unburies her face. It’s tear-streaked. She wipes at the tears with trembling thumbs.

Piper falls beside her on the mattress, panting. They’re still touching; legs and fingers. Alex can’t stop shaking.

*

Her fingers touch the little red and yellow fish on Piper’s neck. It’s been so long since she’s seen the inking she’d forgotten what it looked like. She lets herself smile at it, fingers touching it. Piper wiggles a little against the touch and rolls over to face her, eyes bright, if not a little tired.

“Did you miss Dory?” Piper asks.

Alex snorts. “Please tell me you did not just name it Dory.”

Piper grins. “No. But if I were to name it, I think Dory is appropriate, considering it was Ellen’s voice.”

“Mmm. Just keep that one to yourself, kid.”

Piper’s eyes swell up, brows pulled back. Alex realizes it’s been a long time since she’s called Piper that.

“Come on, don’t do that again,” Alex mumbles at her, nudging her arm and secretly fighting the urge not to cry again herself.

“Okay. Sorry.”

Piper wipes away unshed tears, smiling.

“I was beginning to think you’d never get out of there,” Piper says quietly. “It felt almost like a fantasy on my worst days.”

“I know.”

Alex scoots an inch closer to her, running a hand up along Piper’s bare leg and to her rump.

“I’m just glad I made it out in one piece.”

“But you had help. Nicky,” Piper says.

Alex winces, but Piper is simply looking at her. Still Alex can’t help but to ask the question. She removes her hand from Piper’s rump and tucks it under her cheek.

“Are those judgy eyes?”

“No. No judgy eyes, I promise.”

She hears the words just fine, but the insecurity that’s been building inside Alex tells her not to trust them.

“Are you sure? Because the Piper I know would be jealous and pissed.”

Piper hesitates, taking a deep breath.

“I was jealous,” she replies. “But it wasn’t like a ‘my-girlfriend-is-cheating-on-me-in-my-own-apartment-and-deserves-flaming-dogshit’ kind of jealous. It was more like a sad-jealous, that it couldn’t have been me in there, with you.”

Alex allows herself an inward sigh of relief.

“Yea?”

“Yea.”

It’s too easy to get lost in Piper’s bedroom eyes, but Alex is tired of resisting. She just wants to drown in them, drown in _this_. She doesn’t pretend to know what her future holds for her and she’s no more concerned about it than she’s ever been, save for one new element—that Piper is in it with her. Piper is what she’s here for, who she’s here for.

Everything else is just background.

***


End file.
